Before my Easter post, I was getting lots and lots of pressure from my mom and sister to post new pictures. The reason why it took me so long? I'm quite literally hanging on by a thread. If you remember, when I first got pregnant with Clara, I was terrified! I just wasn't sure I would be able to handle two kids. Well, unfortunately, all of my fears have come true.
Compared to Anna's, Clara's pregnancy was much harder with the biggest plague being inexplicable high blood pressure. I had to go in for lots of extra doctor visits, ultrasounds and tests and was even sent back to the hospital a week after her birth. I ended up being put on medication for a short time to regulate it.
Next is all of our sleeping problems. Clara's sleeping has given me fits from the moment we brought her home from the hospital. I know I was super lucky but the most Anna ever woke up in the night was twice. Clara would wake up 4 and 5 times. So much that sometimes I would just go into the bathroom and cry. We did finally find our stride. At about two months, we started to figure each other out and her sleeping got much better. I could count on the fact that she would go down at 7 pm and sleep until 2 am. I was so assured that I even left her with a friend while Spencer and I went out for a Valentine's Day dinner.
Then all hell broke loose. She started waking up at midnight. Then 11 pm. Then 11 pm, 12 am, 1 am AND 2 am! We were all fit to be tied so once she hit 4 months, we let her cry it out. I slept on the couch and Spencer slept on Anna's top bunk while she screamed bloody murder for three nights, for at least two hours straight. I'm really not sure how long it was. I was so tired that I actually fell asleep before she did.
After that, she found her groove again. She would again go down at 7 pm, wake up at 5 or 6 am for a feeding then go back to sleep for an hour or so. Great! I thought, I can do this. I once again felt so good about it that I moved her out of the bassinet in our room and into the crib in Anna's room.
Then all hell broke loose, AGAIN! Since moving her into her crib, we've had to let her cry it out at least four times. Two of those times included a hurried move of Anna to either our bed or the couch so the poor thing could have some relief from her screaming sister. Any of you who have done the cry it out method know this is not normal. Usually you do it and you're done. You don't have to KEEP doing it! Last night was one such night. Spencer and I sat and listened to her scream from 2:30 am to 4 am at which point I figured we all needed some rest and went to feed her.
I just don't get it! Aren't babies supposed to figure it out and then keep it up, or even (gasp!) get better? Not figure it out and then backslide to where they used to be and have to start the whole process all over again?
Add to all this, the fact that Anna is having severe displacement issues. First, for reasons even she couldn't explain, she started peeing her pants again. We finally got that back under control but her moods took a major turn for the worst. She has periods of sunshine but most of our days are riddled with extreme disobedience, fits, LOTS of crying and sassiness. I really do feel for her but I have a hard time showing sympathy when she's running around the post office acting like a monkey I just let out of it's cage!
The final piece to our trifecta is the fact that a non-sleeping baby and an incorrigible toddler do not make me the mother I'd like to be. I yell. Alot. I'm also severly depressed and I find it very, very hard to summon the strength or energy to do anything but sit around the house in my pajamas, hoping that my baby will take a good nap. Friends have asked what they could do for me and I just shrug thinking Sure, you want to trade places at 2 am so you can listen to her scream and I can actually sleep for once in five months? It's bad news and I'm really quite miserable.
So there you have it. I actually feel much better getting it all out in the open instead of hiding behind my facade of "everything's fine".
11 comments:
Good job being so honest, Erin. I really think it's so much healthier than pretending. The cry it out method never worked for Taylor, either. We would try and try and try. The only way he would sleep was if I was nursing him or holding him (I got really good at nursing while lying down. Have you tried it? That way you can both get some sleep). It does eventually get better, though.
It sounds like you may have a little bit of postpartum. Have you talked to your doctor about it? There's no shame- it happens way more often than anyone wants to admit. Hang in there. At least the little buggers are cute! <3
Hi Erin,
Its often a joke between mothers that the 1st child is a trick to make you think all children are as great. Then the 2nd one comes and its like an entirely different planet. You wonder to yourself, is a mother REALLY supposed to feel this way towards her child (sleep deprivation, a 4 sassy year old, and a screaming infant will make you want to pack up and leave :). You are still an awesome mom! In a year you will be looking at this post laughing with Spencer thinking, "do you remember when...". Keep your head up and keep writing. You really are such a great writer, you have me hanging with every word you type. That too can be your outlet. Take your friends offers, give them Clara while Anna is at school and take a nap in the middle of the day. Go for a walk alone and just get your head straight. You know 2am will happen, so prepare better during the day. You have an awesome support system, take all you can!!!!
Nanette(remember me) :)
I feel your pain. Up until last month, (when leo was 10 months), I could count the number of times he slept for longer than 4 hours on one hand. Both of us could not handle crying it out, and he did not get it the half dozen times we tried. So I'd only let him cry for 10 minutes, and if he was still screaming, rock him and put him down again when he was calm 5 mins later. And again, and agani, and again until it'd been 2 hours and I could feed him again. Now he's down to 2 times a night, but never consistent time. But I'll take it. Not that that will work for you, just saying, crying it out is not for every baby.
Just keep swimming. Many a day I told myself- We're all alive, we're cranky, crying in our 2nd bowl of ice cream, but we're alive. When I was in the pits of sleepiness and lack of energy, I'd do one thing productive, then sit around all day. But I did that one thing! If I was in your neck of the woods, I'd tell you to send the kids over so you can nap. Good luck, you can do it!
Oh Erin. Hang in there. It was good of you to share because if nothing else, there will be more people praying for you.
My first was this way. We did a lot of white noise with him because the littlest things would wake him up. Toilets flushing. Us talking. We used a sound machine at first, but now we have an air purifier in their room for Walter's sake and it's loud enough to drown out most noise. He's now a great sleeper at 3, but it was rough for awhile. Good luck. The transition to 2 kids was terribly difficult for me until about 6 months. Then it started getting slightly better. And then better. And now I feel like a mostly normal person...
Erin,
I have been following your family’s adventures since Brenda told me about your blog. My heart ached for you as I read your most recent post. Thank you for being brave enough to share what you are going through and please know that you are not alone in this. I know that right now it is taking all of your strength just to make it through the days (and nights) but you will come out of this. My best advice is to be generous to yourself. Don’t berate yourself for what feels like failings when you are tired, out of patience, and overburdened. Instead, get on your knees, let it out, and seek reassurance that your best efforts are pleasing to your Father in Heaven. My own experience has taught me that he will reply with the reassurance and love that will enable you to continue this difficult part of Motherhood. Keep talking with others and learn from their experiences. As you seek for answers you will find things that will help to alleviate your situation. There is truly no refiners fire quite like motherhood with it’s ups and downs but the blessings really do come as our children grow, despite the many times that we wonder why we ever wanted this job. I wanted to share with you something, that helped me tremendously when I was at a similar point. It is a talk by Elder Holland entitled “Because She Is A Mother.” It was given as a conference address in April of 1997, when I had just one child who was 1 year old. I don’t remember hearing it then. However, the Lord blessed me to come across it years later when I had a house full of youngsters, a serious case of depression and was at my wits end.
In it he says, “In speaking of mothers generally, I especially wish to praise and encourage young mothers. The work of a mother is hard, too often unheralded work. The young years are often those when either husband or wife—or both—may still be in school or in those earliest and leanest stages of developing the husband’s breadwinning capacities. Finances fluctuate daily between low and nonexistent. The apartment is usually decorated in one of two smart designs—Deseret Industries provincial or early Mother Hubbard. The car, if there is one, runs on smooth tires and an empty tank. But with night feedings and night teethings, often the greatest challenge of all for a young mother is simply fatigue. Through these years, mothers go longer on less sleep and give more to others with less personal renewal for themselves than any other group I know at any other time in life. It is not surprising when the shadows under their eyes sometimes vaguely resemble the state of Rhode Island.”
It has become a favorite of mine to read over and over. There is now a short video with excerpts from it on Mormon.org. This is the link. http://lds.org/pages/motherhood?lang=eng&query=motherhood+eternal+partnership+with+god In the side bar they have a link to the complete talk. I hope that it may provide you with the same encouragement I found in it.
Love, Leah
OOPS! I didn't realize you had comment moderation so when I didn't see the first comment I posted I wrote another one. I then got on and saw the first one after I had submitted the second. Sorry for messing you up.
Leah
Oh man, that stinks! I'm so sorry! Babies are hard, and I have to admit that, though I loved mine, it took me about six months or so to like them as well. They were both refluxy and super unhappy ALL OF THE TIME. The memories of the screaming still make me cringe. I hope things get better for you soon. Have you talked to your pediatrician to see if there are any underlying issues that are making sleep difficult for her? Good luck!
It's totally not easy. I won't even pretend to tell you it's all glitter and unicorns here. After Maybe was born both Ryan and I went on meds. Still on them. There are days when I'm in the car and Maybe takes off her buckles on the freeway and she's calling me a stupid idiot I think.."hmm would it really be so bad if I didn't have have her anymore?" It makes me so sad to think things like that but sometimes it's all a bit much to handle. I'm usually in my jammies or sweats all day and quit reading so many blogs where I read how lazy people are who don't pop out of bed and get dressed for the day. Seriously though, my meds are for anxiety and it really truly has helped. Just something to think about.
Erin, I'm so sorry! You are an amazing STRONG woman!! Just take Dorie's advice, "just keep swimming, just keep swimming".
I have a few friends that have started taking meds after their second or third kid, I say if it helps, go for it!!
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